Is There Anybody Better Than Me??

Not in the present day poker world. While a true and hardened Texas Hold Them professional like me understand the difficulty of finishing at a final table, others do not. Making it to the final table is an enormous accomplishment but to be a superstar, you need to finish in first place like I did.

Evidence of My Greatness

This is why I am one of the best online poker players. Click on the picture to see a more clear view of my 5th place finish.

Poker Profanity and Threats

It wasn't until online poker that I learned about the poker-specific profanity such as "railbird" and "donk". A typical tool will use this terms consistently during my verbal attack. This one tool also threatened to report me to some poker authority. Does one exist?

Ocud.[Observer]:Breaks are stupid just like you tools
BloodyWolf68: your not even in this game ...rail bird
Ocud.[Observer]:Why are you playing on poker on a Friday night? loser
Tournament: Blinds going up to 200/400 Ante 40
ausash: yeah why play when u can sit on rail with no $ and whine wishing u cld play
BloodyWolf68: LOL
Ocud.[Observer]:Sometimes the abundance of tools is overwhelming and I have to take a step back from the table and observe
ausash: look in da mirror kid
BloodyWolf68: next he is going to ask you for 10.00 , that he will pay back when he eins
ausash: then take ur step back
BloodyWolf68: wins
Ocud.[Observer]:I would never ask you for $10
BloodyWolf68: then jump off the rail
Ocud.[Observer]:I'll take it from you playing poker
BloodyWolf68: not in thei tourny...donk
ausash: lol
Player francis7 is all-in, chat is temporarily disabled
Ocud.[Observer]:I'm getting paid to do this.
IAMOCUD: yeah railbird, and you are not ocud, i am ocud
BloodyWolf68: sure
ausash: wp IAM
BloodyWolf68: ocud???
Ocud.[Observer]:I don't even have to take your money to make money
BloodyWolf68: ok
BloodyWolf68: how does that work
ausash: ur gettin paid to be a douche?>
BloodyWolf68: superstar
ausash: wow good sutff
IAMOCUD: i know, this freakn tool strolls in here talking all that s**t
IAMOCUD: hes probably broke
IAMOCUD: stupid tool
IAMOCUD: im gonna write about this tool on my blog
BloodyWolf68: lets all turn him in...see how much hemakes then
IAMOCUD: ocud . blogspot . com
IAMOCUD: yeah ocud, taking my name, lets play heads up
ausash: now me thinking ocud is ocud is ocud hmm me thinkin too much
Player centurion102 is all-in, chat is temporarily disabled
BloodyWolf68: i should have called
IAMOCUD: you prolly only got PMs huh ocud
Ocud.[Observer]:Actually, I work for a subsidiary of Sportsbook
Ocud.[Observer]:and they pay me to record these chat transcripts of all of you stupid tools
Ocud.[Observer]:with no life
BloodyWolf68: then you are in violation of company policy
BloodyWolf68: so again if we turn you in, you have no job
Player akpokerclub is all-in, chat is temporarily disabled
BloodyWolf68: go do your fake job rail bird
Ocud.[Observer]:BloodyWolf68, from here on out I am going to refer to you as stupid tool.
BloodyWolf68: and I refer you as rail bird
Player BloodyWolf68 is all-in, chat is temporarily disabled
Ocud.[Observer]:StupidTool, I am renown in the poker world
BloodyWolf68: ok bird
BloodyWolf68: maybe I should call you donk bird
BloodyWolf68: oh I forgot you won the WPT last week
BloodyWolf68: fool
Ocud.[Observer]:StupidTool, some other tool is going to take you out
BloodyWolf68: report this donk
BloodyWolf68: now
BloodyWolf68: every one
cashman 19: cmon lets all be nice
Ocud.[Observer]:Sportsbook already knows about me. I am an employee and I am client of their services.
cashman 19: & play some cards
Ocud.[Observer]:StupidTool, you are a Stupid Tool
BloodyWolf68: we will see
BloodyWolf68: they do not pay you to be a donk rail bird
BloodyWolf68: you will be a unemployed rail bird
BloodyWolf68: DA
Ocud.[Observer]:stupid tol
BloodyWolf68: records this and will email, both cake adn sportsbook
BloodyWolf68: DA
Player pesc4tore is all-in, chat is temporarily disabled
Player akpokerclub is all-in, chat is temporarily disabled
Ocud.[Observer]:You don't have to record this email StupidTool. I will post it to my site and you can copy it off there.

A Glimpse into the Sewers of Online Poker - The Play Money Rooms

If you are looking for the biggest of all tools, simply join a play money game. Below is an example of some tools I quickly picked up in a room....

Ocud.: look at u stupid tools
stakkup: ocud fuccccccccc offfffff
...
Ocud.: im better than all of u
stakkup: stupid fuc
SikoyaKitty: not better than me..
...
Ocud.: im much better than u
SikoyaKitty: no.. you are not... FACT..
Ocud.: just look at the damage ive done after 2 winning hands
SikoyaKitty: you bullied... your way thru dork
SikoyaKitty: I am half way to our winnings luv.
...
Ocud.: i am the best at free money poker
SikoyaKitty: nope... I just placed 2nd in tourney---
....
Ocud.: no, i am the best
SikoyaKitty: stfu
Ocud.: and kitty wishes he placed money
SikoyaKitty: go jack off yoour little little wang
SikoyaKitty: kitty is a she ---
SikoyaKitty: idiot
Ocud.: i post chat transcripts of my conversations with tools like u on my site and sportsbook sponsors me
Ocud.: he or she, it doesnt matter. either way u r a tool
SikoyaKitty: ok.. scud... and we care?? why???
Ocud.: because i am the TOOL CHEST
SikoyaKitty: ignoring the tool....
Ocud.: ocud . blogspot . com
SikoyaKitty: till we all beat him and he leaves....zzzzzzzzz
SikoyaKitty: zzzzzzzzzzz
stakkup: ocud sucks dikkkkkkk
SikoyaKitty: and SWALLOWS!!!!!
SikoyaKitty: hahahhahehehehahahhehee
Ocud.: im going to win this pot
Ocud.: tools
....
Ocud.: gay or not, i have proven that i am better than all of u. u r discriminative
...
SikoyaKitty: no wonder... I knew you where angry... I dO NOT Discriminate..
...
Ocud.: tool
SikoyaKitty: Tool?? are you 18?
SikoyaKitty: or 19?
Ocud.: 15
SikoyaKitty: yup..
Ocud.: im younger, less experienced but still much better than u
Ocud.: just look at my chips
Ocud.: anytime ur in doubt, just look at my chips
SikoyaKitty: Im older, wwway more experienced... and MUCH BETTER than you
SikoyaKitty: you mean your -- baby PLAY chips?? or my for REAL BAnk accoUNT???
stakkup: ocud the fact that ur playing at a freee table means you obviously lost all ur real money
Ocud.: not at all, as i mentioned SB sponsors me
...
stakkup: congrats u have 23,000 fake dolllars
SikoyaKitty: is that alll!!!!!!!!!!!!!hahahahahahahhahahahahhaha
SikoyaKitty: thanks Stakk! STTTOOOOLLLLL
stakkup: i bet u could put a down payment on a fake house with that
SikoyaKitty: mr. SPONSER!!!!!!
SikoyaKitty: I live in a 3 mill house dork.
SikoyaKitty: I get to play for fun..

The Third Person

Here, I just switched to a new table and I made myself known as soon as I arrived...

PLAYER!: you still lose
Ocud.: Relax tools.
Ocud.: Ocud has arrived
Ocud.: and he is here to relax you and put you to sleep
rjlpoker0888: stuiped mf
goldnuggetz: what kind of dooshbag refers you himself in the 3rd person in online poker
Tournament: Ocud. has 15 seconds to act.

Customer Service Tool

I guess live chat reps are geting a little more snippy lately....Names have been altered in order to protect the identity of this live chat tool -

Hello, my name is 'Stupid Tool'. I'll be assisting you today.

You: hi, i received an email about receiving 20 free gold chips, but it doesnt seem like the code is working.....can you just credit my account manually?
'Stupid Tool': Hi, you need to make your deposit first.
You: There was no mention in the email about making a deposit to receive the gold chips.
'Stupid Tool': The emails said's 100% Reload upto $1000 PLUS 20 Gold Chips Automatically credited using the bonus code SH100.
You: oh ok, thought the reload bonus was the part that was contingent on deposit
You: and you guys are not doing anything to make good on poker being down for several weeks?
'Stupid Tool': The poker wasn't down for several weeks, it was our tournaments but we did had ring games.
You: just for tournaments is what i mean...as tens of thousands in freeroll money ended up not going out to the players as it was scheduled to.
'Stupid Tool': Sure make a deposit and we will give you some gold chips.
You: aha thanks, well done, great customer service right there...not like i haven’t made plenty before...tell the stupid tool team at sportsbook i said great job taking care of loyal customers.
You: good day stupid tool

New Tool on the Block

In a typical dialogue, usually a tool expresses his anger towards the Toolchest using descriptive words. But words weren't enough for this tool. His boiling anger led him to draw out pictures showing how he visualizes me.

Anakin Skywr: donkey wanna besss
Anakin Skywr: your donkey
Anakin Skywr: your the biggest donkey ever
Anakin Skywr: ocud = <(}}}><
Anakin Skywr: <*}}}}><